Friday, October 21, 2011

the world keeps turning

Well, here i am, sitting down, enjoying a nice bowl of pan seared potatoes and green beans, with a bit of high fructose corn syrup ketchup that, hopefully, won't be too harmful. It is nice though, i get a day off, a day to practice mandolin and enjoy the fresh air, bake a couple loaves of bread, find out that i actually am able to pick the song 'Gentle on My Mind' by John Hartford, no matter how simply. I had no idea how I'd do at the beginning of the semester, being busy and such, but it turns out fairly well, managing to get decent hours of rest. I watched this freakin' scary movie last night called House, it definitely discouraged a writing career, and most certainly discouraged watching any scary movies ever again.
Surprisingly it was filmed in the 1980's, considering how freakin' scary it was. Fortunately I am evening that out with this: a relaxing day watching bread rise.
I made a painting a couple days ago, it is basically a very bright house with a squirrel tight rope walking above a big pool of water. It is interesting, i'm pondering whether or not to donate it to the yearly silent art auction.
Oh well, the impression of that movie will slowly fade from my mind, the bread will rise, and the world will keep on turning. I don't think there is any way the world will end, I mean, there might be some major disaster, but the chances of Earth self-destructing is very small. Yes, we are getting warmer, but Nature tends it even itself out anyway, doesn't it?
No matter how good it will do, remind yourself: the world keeps on turning. After all, it is better then thinking the world is flat.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Oh yeah...All right..Feels good..Inside..

"Your drug is a heart breaker .. My love is a life taker.."
Such beautiful lines, although who knows what the second part means.

Friday, September 16, 2011


It is the 11 Days of Peace in Southern Illinois, possibly in areas surrounding as well. This brings to mind much nice thoughts, ha, of Peace.. And things related. It seems like the world has gotten more peaceful as the days have gone by. I say this a lot, or at least used to in high school, but as I look back through the ages it appears that the people have gotten less violent, the world more peaceful. Yes, there is corruption, pollution, and many problems of that nature still persistent in today's climate, but think of the Generations - Their progress - and where we stand 'Peacefully' today.
It is beautiful outside, I rarely see violence. In the 19 years i've been kicking, I haven't seen much violence, maybe a punch here, a kick there, but nothing serious. It could be that I was raised with spiritual values - One of the most non-religious, spiritually musical Christian denomination's: the Friends society.. and a simple Jewish temple and camp. Although through the years of adolescence and surrendering to my Mother's will, I landed in a Sufi temple, an Ashram, church, etc... I still think that all of these places provided a sound and base spiritual education, despite religious attitudes.
And so i see, in the streets, Peace. It could be this is all just an expression of Light, that I choose to see the positive in the light. After all, el Guru says that Life can be compared to a movie, with the heroes just consisting of nice colors, villains in dark colors, One concept being unable to exist without the opposite concept.. And so, as I am just traveling through the world seeing and visualizing different 'projections' of light, it could be that I just register the positive, accept the Peaceful, the benevolent...
I'm sorry for the big words, am currently in a Steno Vocabulary development class, and am quite enthusiastically working on many of the assignments! as my vocabulary is improving so also is my opinion of my intellectual capabilities! Ha. And so.. if you read this, I ask you to think about time, past present and future, and ask yourself: Is the world and the people in this world progressively becoming more peaceful, are we the same? What's going on? but don't forget the divinity and joy behind it all! And so, Merci fellow people, and good day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

'Don't think I'm a D-Bag' -Journey

Don't think I'm a d-bag! this is the song of the weekend though, played on the radio during a melancholic sunset.. must be posted.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I moved into a new apartment last weekend! I've been 'in-dependent' for days now: it feels strange... but good! Although I do feel like I could be participating in more good causes, community events, etc., I do understand that I have been in this place for only 3 or 4 days, so it is understandable. Occasionally I will open the windows to the apartment and play mandolin, or I will Meditate or sing, and that will bring good vibes to the area, especially the surrounding apartments. The people around us seem really cool, although I have only met one of them, they all have decent cars with cool bumper stickers (ones like 'Swimmer' and 'Habitat for Humanity'), so they seem like good people! Although, the last 3 or 4 days the people above us party hardy, even though the guy who swims claims not to drink. Although, there is a guitar with an amp, and supposedly Gears of War, and likes of jumping - but never late at night. I caught the bus today - it was fun, good to participate in the public transportation. It actually is really nice living in an apartment, I have not conformed to the College norm of Raman noodles and Don Taco, instead I manage to open the windows and cook some black beans and the Vegetables with delicious Whole Wheat Tacos. Life is tough in the big city, says the high-school Trig teacher who once was in the army, yet I say Life is good in the big city. I am no longer in the suburbs and goody tooschoo community, and am no longer in the semi-ghetto, and have landed somehow in a College infested neighborhood, where people drink things somewhere in between Beer and Water. Fortunately, I have a guru, and am glued to the Joy that is given from him!! But, a post on here seemed essential, as I am surrounded by light posts and T.V.'s and computers, and a little bit of nature is a delicious delicacy to be enjoyed only by a deep breath and some sun salutations.
Court reporting is going well, as a Sophomore in John A. Logan I have gained a little bit more merit, and somehow landed a spot on the Internet with the name of the website being 'I the Volunteer.' And, although I would post the address for house-warming gifts, I am unable because of the possibility of, well, I DONT KNOW...
Good night all, and wish the college community of Southern Illinois good luck, for we need a lot in this kinda town.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I was asked an interesting question tonight:
"Do you like where you are going?"
I stared blankly, the answer to the question in my mind was, 'Where am I going?'
"Do you like what life has shown you so far?"
'Yeah... Yeah, I do,' was my answer. It felt good at the time of answering the question. After all, this is what I felt, this is what I said. It is a good question though, and almost immediately afterwards, looking back, it felt as though that question needed to be asked. The question is entirely personal, and should be asked more often. Maybe it was situation, he only asked it because I had a smile on my face, but still, there have been questions that have changed my life, and this I think is one of them.
The usual question is, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' I can see as a teacher why it might be useful, getting to know the students.
Questions I have found to be incredibly useful in life, although I may have annoyed some people or have been some sort of thorn on their back through the incessant questions I have asked, I do feel like each one has been useful in becoming closer to that very person.
A question implies learning, curiosity, wonder. As an experienced question asker, I find that excessive questions will make people a little P'O'ed, or at least it seems that way by the look on their face. So, sometimes, I make a brain agreement not to ask any questions, but only to say statements, exclaim things, yell, whisper, say anything, except no questions. This soon ends and I find that during that small period of time I think of myself as a total doosch.
But oh well,I just thought I'd exclaim the beauty of the "question" as they did in Junior High with posters of Einstein.Conclusion: It is incredibly important for humanity to ask questions, regardless of what words are contained.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Through Heaven's Eyes


The sun came up on a dreary morning; fog stuck to the grass like a tick on a beast, and the light of the sun penetrated the belly of every living thing, bringing a soft shadow to the ground, the Earth. Although the fog was heavy, things could e seen a short distance away, and the creatures continued the daily routine.
Although partially humidified, the ants kept carrying, the ant eaters kept eating, and the wolves kept killing. The trees swayed back and forth, communicating a slight discomfort, a need to move and to be active, but the fog and the sun kept them silent, providing their essentials. A road stood as bricks on a church, lonely like a high-schooler on his or her way home from school. There hadn't been a single car to drive on it in days, it is as if there was a train wreck a few days earlier, or some sort of catastrophe. Dryness spilled from the cracks in the road, soil underneath searching for life, moisture, some comfort. As the fog drifted into the morning dew, the sun brightened as though someone was gradually making the light brighter at some dinner party, playing the role of lights technician. The hungry soil, the frustrated trees, the labor intensive ants, and the soft wind all perked in a sudden shock, as though they had just been electricuted.
A small car became visible in the distance: a blue Toyota Prius with its brights on. All the windows appeared to be closed, although the passenger occasionally opened one slightly, only to close it again. The Prius roared through the silence that was this ecosystem, and although compared to most cars quite quiet, this one made a racquet, as it was the only mechanical object to be here in days. Coming to a soft halt the Prius gradually slowed as though it was stopping at a stop sign. A woman got out of the driver's seat and started kicking the tires, one by one. The trees fell into trance, the ants were amazed. They hadn't seen or heard or smelled something like this in years. The deer stopped in their tracks, and forgot about the sustenance that once was craved. The wind, although continuing similar motions and still gently blowing, got curious and wondered what was disturbing their usual patterns.
The woman finished her kicking, and sat down to have a banana and peanut butter on the bumper of the car. Then, all of a sudden, a small boy opened the passenger side door and crawled out, and wobbled to the edge of the road where the grass lived. He started digging his hands into the ground and soon enough he touched an ant hill. The ants, out of their nature and out of pure intuition and surprise, crawled onto his hand. The boy stood up and softly called out to his mother,
"Mommy! I got ants on my hands!!!"
All things, including the leaves and ants, the deer and trees, soil and birds, even the mother stared directly at the boy in such unfathomable awe as the entire ecosystem in that wilderness started changing.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Guru Purnima!

Leaving for Montreal on Sunday at 4A.M.! I am pumped though, this is going to be an adventure. It is for Guru Purnima celebrations, and I'll be taking an Art of Living course while I'm there. Although i still haven't been signed up for one of them yet, i probably will be. anyway wish me luck as this is a very far trip all by myself, going to see people that are practically strangers; and i am only 19! Goodbye everyone.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

ocean of sound

One of my favorite things said by Guruji about music is not to be so concerned about what is being said or the words but just to be floating in the ocean of sound, music..

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Rest on the Beach

The man in the black suit walked to the beach late at night and looked out into the ocean; he was a very tall man, with bright sunglasses and a beautiful figure. His girlfriend sat next to him, slender legs and a compassionate personality, a loving mysteriousness that was beautiful only to a man that could see beauty. As they lay there on the beach looking at the stars, they wondered about life, about all of its complexities and its mysteries, and they sat and just talked about whatever came to their minds. Because they were of such distant race, religions and nationality, their culture seemed to be of complete distance, they were relatives in a very farfetched way, although they still seemed to have a connection beyond any other. As they sat listening to the birds, listening to the trees blow in the wind, they continued wondering about life. A deer quickly came from behind them, and started chewing on a piece of grass. Although they didn't notice it at first, they quickly looked back and went to see the deer. It was a beautiful deer, one that seemed to be the size of an adolescent, and it was chewing on a piece of grass, looking carefully at what might be his food. As the two lovers sat in awe at the deer, its female counterpart quickly ran over and started chewing on the same piece of grass, and making quick motions to random places in space, as it ate from the piece of grass. The romantics stared blankly at the deer as they ate their piece of grass; and then, a light flashed in the distance above them. It was a very bright light almost as though a reflection of the northern lights, although they were near the equator. As the light flashed in the sky, the two deer that were eating from the piece of grass and the two humans looked up into the sky, quickly as though the bucket of joy has just been spilled on their heads. The white light was absolutely stunning, a beautifully shaped, wonderfully romantic, stunning and grotesquely beautiful shooting start shot across the sky, blinding the eye sight of the humans. The deer looked, and kept eating, as if it were another part of space that they were looking at earlier. The two humans just stared, as if blind and somehow lost all other senses as well, and the shooting star began to fade in the mysterious fade of the sky. The two looked at each other and tears began rolling down their eyes, all romantic stories that they had heard in the past and all novels of love burst into their fragile minds, as though everything they had heard and seen in the past was all of a sudden starting to resurface. As tears rolled down their cheeks, they began citing, soft and miniskewl tears almost like a mini thunder storm rolled deeply down their faces and they wondered and perceived into the future about what this could lead to. As they stared into the darkness of a closed eyelid, electrons and protons and neutrons, atoms of enormous capabilities and magical mystery started bursting, almost like fireworks, every cell in their bodies, covered in love and bliss, as their lips touched in a beautiful echo of their past and what was to become their future. All of a sudden, the sky lit up in a wave of light, a bountiful beautiful enormous wave of light blinding even the most talented creature that lived on this planet. Even the man that could see the most wondrous things in life, the rabbit that could eat carrots for its entire life and see even the most beautiful things and could just see, plainly and simply. The light lit up like a wave of water crashing onto a building, it lit up like a candle on a stormy night. The two deer stopped, eating, stopped looking at random areas of space and just simply looked up at the sky, almost joining the humans in a distant, but relative way. The sky portrayed a beautiful almost gross image of everything that a sky has to offer, and the animals including the humans were absolutely silenced by it. Although this flash of light was a beautiful picture of wonder, after a few seconds it turned out to be another shooting star, focused yet energetic raging with joy and raging with love towards a point unknown. The shooting star flashing into the sky and burst all motion into a distant echo and disappeared into the night. All that was left to see for the humans and the dear was a dark night filled with white stars, and although silenced and showered with beauty at the image previously seen, they continued their efforts, the deer kept eating, the humans kept kissing, and the shooting stars sat in the corner of the universe patiently waiting to come out and bathe the world once again.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Black Hole

Reading opinions, seeing what people have to type in this life it seems like there has been one opinion that i've come across a lot.. It is the opinion, or idea, that there are either ignorant men or wise ones. Now, the deepest of deep people, the silent, the enlightened, i find that they are the distinguishers, they claim to know of the ignorant, to know of the wise, and to classify and characterize accordingly. it seems that the artists express life more collectively. now, these are all big words, but these are the words that come to mind at this time.

maybe it is anger, maybe it is a need to flee from a life that i sometimes find sorrowful, but i think there is something ingrained in man that is much deeper then this surface 'wise' and 'ignorant'. In every decision i make, i recognize that there is sorrow in the world, there are starving children, there are holes being dug into the ground, there is death, agony beyond comprehension, or maybe not. but, as part of an act, as part of my play, i make the decision anyway. My hypothesis is that every man knows of this, knows of this pain that not just the women or the men, but the world is going through.

Maybe it is the word dispassion that has been cultured into me, but it is somewhat disheartening. It's almost as if i have gained merit, respect, i have gained a radiating glow that beings find attractive, a smile that shines... but i do feel that i have lost a childlike excitement. Maybe these words are just a black hole, maybe everything that is black is just a black hole, they say that our eyes are the gateway to the soul, and so the soul is staring right out through that gateway. When that hole stares at pure black, and colors are everywhere else except for that black, it is almost as though our soul is staring at a black hole, lost..

Maybe the scientific concept of a black hole is merely all the words that have been written or typed, all of the printed letters and pamphlets, all the luscious beautiful hair, the sky apart from the stars, or our clothes... maybe i have been so bombarded from nature that i have no choice but to live in this moment, or to claim to, and therefore have no choice but to say maybe, and not claim to know of how this Universe works. And, as from experience of reading the works of fellow typists, fellow bloggers, reading of the scriptures and of the worldly books, i can say that the reader most likely will understand yet not, and that only the typist will have an actual intimacy with what is being put into the atmosphere, who is me.

Although this post is a basic rant of the conceptual world that i find bleak, it could just be a shovel digging a hole into a hole that is labelled 'weird guy', or it could be a step towards growth, which is the way that i like to think of it as.

Honestly, this post is about a boredom with the words ignorant and wise, and familiarity and a annoyance with the usual, the spiritual texts that once were interesting.

But, i can also honestly say, that human life is exciting , interesting, and wild at the same time, and although I feel some way now, i have never felt this way before, and therefore completely and totally accept how i am feeling now.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

as long as i keep the smile on my face, i will never look old, as long as i keep resting in truth, i will never grow old, as long as i keep loving and gazing into the eyes and heart of my elders and thinking of my loved ones as keepers of beauty and the substratum of my happiness, i will be joyous forever.. and the tunes of my soul and the sounds of God will shower me with warm water, and will bring and give and present to me the same bountiful feeling of getting sprayed will ice-cold water after playing outside as a kid.. and the woman of my dreams, compassion and intimacy, hands and fingertips, the color of our eyes.. the love of my life is my desire, & the love of my life is my pleasure.. pain.. she is the one and only and the stars and the sun so bright burning and blazing with sparkles and fireworks and bursts of light and as each burst goes off so does the chemical in my brain the releases comfort.. oh the cold days, my pained callous feet compressing snow closer to soil, my burned and strained and arthritic hands feeling , feeling more then any mans feels whilst intoxicated.. the love of my life is all that i imagine in my future, all that snaps to my sweet brain of the memories of the past, the walking to lunch from physical education, the celebration of the Master with my mother, the people and the ones in the situation that, oh, I myself was also in.. For, as i praise God so do i praise the people around, the person inside me, as i praise in every action in every thought and feeling, so do i praise the Master for in my conscious mind i see in every image the Master smiling with eyes pointed directly at me..

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

yeha buddy

long night of dishwashing... not even tired... probably a product of surrendering to the Divine in all of us. it seems like this is an ongoing theme in the mind... I have been observing it for a while now, maybe this is just from the knowledge i've received from people and all of the quotes i've red on the web and on facebook, but I am beginning to think that these words are starting to sink in.

i'm listening to music right now - probably one of the reasons i am writing this post. i think that i tend to lose all online inhibitions when i'm listening to music, it's as though whatever comes to mind just comes out on the computer whilst listening to music.. this could be just an illusion. but, i think it's for the best.. just expression.. i will look back and be happy.

but - back to the energy... it's somewhat strange, i meditate twice a day and energy is unfathomably unlimited, i don't need monster energy drinks or caffeinated drinks or speed or anything, in fact even the though of taking those things puts me in a discomfortable situation. yeah yeah, i'm not superman, i don't claim to be similar, but looking back on today it's as though i got up and just ENERGIZER bunnied everything. in fact - i will write the summary of the day's events.

i awoken, to read from some holy scriptures (yeha, that might sounds weird, but we all do it at 1 point or another), and i did some spiritual practices (yeah, you know, where i just sit and calm the mind [body] spirit.) I learned all of the spiritual practices from my Mom and the Art of Living Foundation, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar teaches sudarshan kriya, and this meditation practice called Sahaj Samadhi. It's really quite profound and amazing, as a child i always though of meditation as somewhat strange, but also cool, but as i was taught what is actually practices, i began to understand and actually enjoy doing it.

Well, the basic idea is that i go into deep rest, and that pretty much sums it up, best possible simple explanation. So, keeping this in mind, i went on to the rest of the days activities.

i went to school and did an extemporaneous speech, having only three minutes to prepare i regard it is extremely successful, the topic being 'friendship'. i split up the words 'friend' and 'ship' and said something about the ship setting sail and landing, and i got a big applause and i felt really happy afterward. then, i went to another class and busted out a 100 wpm test, then came home, meditated again, and went to work to dish wash for 5 hours. so, it was quite a day, and even now, i don't feel tired.

This might sound somewhat arrogant or something or douchy, but i surrender it all to the Divine, and just let things be, whatever words i write are OK because I forgive myself, mentally forgiven, and also people around me that make impressions good or bad.

And so, listening to the music given to me by a coworker during a secret santa exchange (thank you so much for this indie awesome playlist! [you are attractive]), i decided to write this blog post, and hopefully in the future i will keep doing it, because i like this blog. it's nice to have another website to go to other then facebook or yahoo, and i guess it is also nice that i no longer play world of warcraft, al though that was a very fun game. shout out to my cousin living in chicago, also my dad, mom, kitchen chef..and many people.. if you guys know who i am then: YAY!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

in love

The brass horn of a trumpet sounded through the hills. A majestic roar of humble horses, drummers beating the leather to dust, blasting into the seemingly endless space of hilly, grassy terrain. Wind blows from tree to tree, sheep to sheep, reminding them of the delicate ocean that lay miles away. People gathered around a small clearing of bushes and a field of grass and sat down. The wind blew through their hair and into their ears. A gentle cry from a nearby horse rang out as though a bell had just been rung, but lightly, very lightly... As they sat down they began pondering the sky.. The clouds. The sky had not rained in days yet the rain seemed undesirable for them, at the moment. They were very contemplative, almost like children who had overtaken a quiet spell. The nature of what mood they were in, after frolicking the fields and nearby forested area, brought them to a very still, statue-like order, although their thoughts were not so still. A brisk smile rested gently on their faces, portraying a deep rest, entertaining to any nearby onlooker a scene of gentle thoughts, positive ones as if stacked onto each other like the construction of a log cabin, Each log, delicately, positively simple, each orderly placed creating a concrete, homey log cabin. as seconds glided by, their bodies began moving, like a soft twitch, a small bird was inside looking, formulating strategies to get out. A finger softly petted the grass, along with the bare feet gently stroking through individual blades of grass. as insects began recognizing the scent of sweet creatures, an adventurous will overtook them, and bugs of unknown race began journeying to find food for the energy of a days work. The wind began pushing, like a boxer and a punching bag, its strength began growing although its purpose unknown.
As the wind grew in passion the clouds got darker, moving faster, and the trees rustled and moved to each measurable force of air. The leaves created a soft noise, and for the resters, created a joyful balance to offset the partial anger of the wind. The bugs seemingly jumped at the weather's prompt surge, responding in a timely manner simply by moving faster, picking up the pace. The soil underneath each blade of grass prickled with excitement, in nervous anticipation of the smooth yet constant touch that is brough by a rain storm. As the wind grew in energy, so did the bugs, and the trees began blowing from one place to another. The restful youth started looking into each pair of eyes, as though they also knew a storm would come, being in such a delicate yet natural state. One of the three girls stood up, abandoning her pose of lying on her stomach with her head resting softly in her hands, observing each blade of grass. As she stood up, so did both girls, as did both young men, with the delicate feeling of inspiration. One of the girls, as she had been sitting Indian style with hands resting lightly behind her on the ground, eyes directed at the sky, took a deep breath: inhale - light as a feather exhale - as she started prouncing for about four seconds, she quickly looked back at her friends with a look that is worth a thousand words, but most importantly exclaimed to the four other youth: 'Let's Run!'
Thunder snapped through the sky like a knife stabbing a pillow, and a sewer by trade refilling it, sewing it back together. Soft yet bright fits of lightning changed the shade of the leaves and the sky, creating a natural neon color that was so recently being observed by the restful youth. Trees blew in the direction wanted by the wind, and as the bushes began moving so did the five youth, as the chased after the young girl headed towards the woods. Although their run was slow as a brisk jog, their minds were completely centered in the moment, almost as a blender filled with the fear of the storm, the anticipation of the rain, the health of youth un-tainted by the adventures of teenage hood. A blender filled with these feelings & thoughts ready to make a vibrant smoothy, in the process of making one. The soil prickled up and the leaves turned over, the trees although emotionless became overcome with enthusiasm. As the five children entered the small wooded area they had once explored, they looked back and observed a down pour unlike any other, droplets of water unique but un-point-out-able, for thousands upon thousands of rain drops landed each second spawning wonderment and divine awe in each youthful soul.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Thoughts on Existence

as i have been being in this world for many years now, well, about 19, i have come across many people, many thoughts and ideas, many musical instruments and vibrations coming from the computer that have projected a rhythm. i come to blogspot on this very night out of pondering, out of questions... out of mere wonder of what this world and what this existence has in store for me and every human being. as i have been meditating for almost two years now, or at least have been in that state of awareness (have felt joy and healing with the power of closing the eyes and embracing thoughts, inhaling and exhaling), i have come to question some of the concepts brought forth from people that are not my parents. also, not just from the period of time that i have been meditating, but the entire life, i have come up with some concepts on my own. as i look back to an extremely eventful [at least in the brain] , life, i recall that i have experienced the roller coaster that is mood swings, although arguably not the most intense one.

although i have kept it from being on paper for the longest time, as some past experiences are so deep and personal that i felt they are unsharable, i am now letting it go, letting all inner brain workings come out on the computer screen. now, i recognize that some of this is just a matter of the fact that i could have been in a state of extreme toxins, or that i am currently hiding beneath a curtain of fear, but i think the opposite, that all thoughts, all actions, and all images and forms of light are projections of God, or the Divine, or What?, or Consciousness.

now, what i just said might have been a little unfamiliar, or it may have been familiar, just caused a little discomfort. i understand this, as when i am watching videos, or reading, and i hear or see these words repeated many times, i start to feel a little unsettled. one thing that i believe to be true, is that all people all humans are dealing with similar issues, in that although i may not be diagnosed with schizophrenia, i have met and talked with someone who is [or considers them self to be one] although i may not know it. now, this may cause some confusion, (as it does for me), as i have not fully grasped it, but that my problem, is also yours, as we are both living in the exact same moment- and in this moment, if i am asked how i am feeling NOW, or i ask the mind how i am feeling NOW, i experience no thoughts.. it is as though i am feeling nothing, thinking nothing, just living,... being. and, with this, i go back to the previous statement that what one human experiences is on the exact same scale as another, in other words, that man is in the same boat as I am, we're all in this together, he doesn't have it worse off, etc.

Now, this might seem like rambling, but it comes from a Human Being who was in a mental hospital, diagnosed with bi-polar, with thoughts ranging from this to that, left to right, blah blah blah but it all is very deep and profound.

let's start with the first thing - left and right. left is interesting as is right. one of my most profound memories is when i was walking home one day, i had just ran laps and laps around the high school track, (about 13 as i remember, each one about 90 seconds with about a 45 second break for water and walking), and i would do deep breathing with each pace of running, something known as ujaiy (a breathing exercise) breath. after it was over, i would get a little bit of water, give the body a nice little massage, meanwhile thoughts as loud as ever before, and continue pacing around the field. finally, after this many, thinking my coach would be mad if i stopped, as he had said earlier that we should go as much as we can, i started walking away to pick up my shirt. then, a mormon, or a fellow student who consider's them self mormon, runs up to me and says, are you sure you want to quit? this is when i do not recall whether i quit or not, but after this experience, i had to walk home (about 4 miles, as i was unable to get a ride). the entire day, i had almost less then a liter of water, and i started walking home, no water bottle in hand. also, as i recall i had just a bite of a sandwich, and a little bit of trailmix to eat (this is all i remember eating the entire day.) so it was about 5 P.M. in the nighttime, i was walking home with colorful sunglasses (as i had seen the wresting coach wearing the previous day, during cross country practice), and i took a bite of the trailmix, a few peanuts. i gagged on that single peanut, although only throwing up a little bit, and continued walking. after about two miles, i was feeling transcendental, and i took off my sunglasses. then i began realizing things about left and right. i was walking on one of the sides (either left or right), and i started realizing that at one side, people would look at me one way, and at the other side, people would like at me the other way. now, this might seem paranoid, but it was truly profound at the time, and remains with the mind today some of the thoughts that came up during this period of truly brilliant thoughts, feelings, and pondering.

Left is change, the liberal, the artist, the one who wishes to make change and the one whom is a rebel, unhappy; at that time i realized that left is the one who is unhappy but has a cause, a cause for peace, a cause for love, a cause for something and the left is the one who wants to live in a fashion that is sacrificial to self, but ambitious for humanity, left is the man stares into existence and ponders life, unwilling to live it but only to ponder it, only to come closer and closer to that realization of What life truly is, although unable to actually Do it.

i was walking from one side of the road to the other, from the sidewalk on the right, to the sidewalk on the left, and back again.

as i was on the right, i was doing what i was supposed to be doing, conforming to the rules society put forth, looking at oncoming traffic and having my back against traffic also in the right lane. this brought thoughts of cross country [and i bring connections to cross country and driving], people who run have their backs to the ones behind them, and are looking straight at the ones in front of them. this brings thoughts of capitalism, conservatism.. financial people, business men, truck drivers.. right is the concept of people living their lives, having fun and not giving a crap about social reform, hunger, well-being of any people, and doing what's in the best interest of the Self. now, as both parents (to the best of my understanding), consider themselves liberals, democrats, [or at least they claim to vote in that direction], i often question whether right is for me or not. i think of right as what is right, doing acting and thinking what is good and what is on the right track, not giving in to peer pressure and things of that nature.

so, i walked back and forth, one side to the other, and as i observed the expression on peoples face i realized more and more about right and left, these two polarities. because.. at the time, everything made sense, every thought that was a form of the english language, was a revelation bringing a higher understanding of life, bringing me to a deeper level of spirit then the person looking at me, 'judging me.' and although this might not make sense to the reader, it does to the one writing it, and that is what is so intriguing.

right and left are extremely beautiful, although i have come to understand life as a non-dual One, and often have thoughts and feelings of oneness [although it sounds transcendental and mystical and beautiful, is merely just Being in the Present Moment,] everything that is seen and smelled and heard and touched and tasted is exactly the same, it is just the lightness of the thoughts [weight-wise] and of the Being, and also what thoughts are actually coming to mind.

and, although it might just be programming by 'culture' or 'america' or 'the society', i sometimes choose to think in terms of right and left, and it may not be as profound and revelatory (probably because i am not epically dehydrated, filled with toxins and unable to eat even a peanut), but still brings depth and understanding. when i choose to think in these terms, it always makes sense, but it does take me away from the being, from the non-dual One, the Self, but it always makes sense... I often think of it in terms of things that humans need, have a natural thirst for: music, food [maybe because these are the words that surround what i do in life.]

i work in a kitchen, constantly listening to music, also play the guitar on occasion and recall some of the most blissful moments in life happening with music. also, i am constantly eating (breakfast lunch and dinner), and food tastes good, also humans really need food in order to live.. so i see and think of food as one of the most important physical aspects of life, along with music.

so, with the guitar, there's on the left - fingers that are making chords (this is what is beneath, the creator of the love, the unseen unmanifest creator of the sound.) also, even further left then this is the tuning things, [the things that you or i turn to tune the guitar], and these are even deeper in that these actually tune the strings of the guitar itself, without these basic functions the guitar is useless, and so these are even further the Creator, even further the unacting, just almost as a hand holding a puppet, not the rod that controls the fingers legs and head of the puppet, just the hand that turns and twists to control the rod. so, this is the left side of the guitar, and only for beginner guitarists (me), chords like G, Am, E, these are all on the left side, and are held for strumming. so, slowly we work our way to the right, ( I will get to the middle, probably the beautiful aspect of music). In the right, is where the strumming happens, this is the purely active aspect of music, the strum strum strum, i dont care about pain im just going to strum and pick, traditional aspect, i do this over and over only to create the sound that is wanted from the left side, from the chords. so, the right is almost just the doer, the strum over and over so i can hear different tunes, but also the right side (the strumming) can make variations on noise level, can be either light , soft, or loud, etc. so the right side is beautiful in itself, it is not just strum over and over, it secretly has aspects that are subtle and beautiful. so...

the left and right sides of the guitar, and then the middle. in the middle the strings vibrate and in the very center of these polarities the strings vibrate to make noise and slowly but surely the left and the right come together to make sound that is delicate and from the core of Being.

so, a good question to ask the Self often i ask is.. what if we just strummed without holding a chord, what if we just held chords without strumming - this brings to mind, what if there were conservatives and no liberals - liberals and no conservatives, communists and no capitalists, capitalists and no communists? now, my pondering of left and right started out of inconcievable misery out of toxins too powerful to even conceive of at this moment, but it was this pondering that is in almost the same terms as that of the holiest of holy... now, when i think of these terms of left and right it all makes sense, when im standing to the left of someone they treat me like crap, and when im standing to the right of someone - i treat them like crap. it's almost in exact terms as liberal and conservative .. almost that whenever i argued with someone in highschool, i felt (as the liberal democrat), that i was the victim. that is where spirituality comes in i am able to forget these concepts for the Moment and just live life as it should be, or as I prefer it.

so, what i learned from this escapade of typing, and what you may have learned is: i should go to bed, get some rest, meditate in the morning and hopefully be one step closer to being closer to Being, loving existence more and more, and being another step closer to marrying someone, being in love, finding peace and looking towards it... I will love someone and be able to ask them to marry, be able to make love and to conceive a child, yea i will for i imagine it, it is existent in my brain therefore it will manifest and if it doesnt so what !

but anyway - this spawns out of a couple years of meditation and being surrounded by the knowledge of saints and gurus and yogis and holy people and God, so it could seem to you like useless rambling or, if you are in a state that is similar to what I was in back in the days of the beginning of Cross Country, then all of this is uncovering the Matrix of the universe and the world and every little pixel from the exit button to the comma to the desktop screen saver makes sense and is a revelation.. so , i hope you enjoyed and that this further helps and brings us all closer to peace and love and happiness!!!! because thats what its all about, right?